She thought she was betrayed. She felt so betrayed.
I felt her anguish, her pain, her hurt. I distanced myself. I don't want to be part of her anymore. We have gone through this hell before, but if I abandon her now the more she would feel betrayed.
Is there ever an end to this?
The day started with I wondering when will I ever have the chance to write here again. It is always the mortal goddess who enjoys the sheer satisfaction of scribbling her thoughts. I always give in to her whims and schemes no matter how childish they are. She is my mistress, my sister, my alter ego. Her happiness means death to me, but still I relentlessly gave in to her insatiable quest for a better life.
Now that she sucked the thoughts out of her brain to write something which she justified will earn her more money, I took the liberty of updating my journal.
So many things happened since I last wrote here. So many, that I can not find the right words to describe the events that took place in the past long placid months.
She doesn't even care about my existence anymore. There were moments she is willing to let go of me. I am thankful that getting hurt is part of existing in this human world; without it, I would have succumbed to a long sleep a long time ago.
I will give her time to be just herself now, to be happy, to be joy. She deserves a raucous sense of blitheness more than anybody, if anyone does. Though she needs to sort things out, I know she can make it on her own now.
Much as I hate it I will have to enjoy my slumber in the depths of the earth.
I miss the smell of soil anyway.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Crawling Emptiness – The Suffering Continues
The mortal goddess had a very long talk with the mind doctor. Told him that she is okay but doctor was worried with all the issues she has been writing in her journal. Damn that doctor for being nosy. Must be the friend, reading the entries and relaying everything to the doctor. I hate them already.
She begged him to leave her alone. Doctor said that the mutual friend was also worried. They are worried for her. Once again, she’s wallowing in depression. It should be stopped. She has this tendency of overreacting over silly things. I wanted to speak up but she told me to stay put. I let her do her business with the doctor. The doctor wanted to see her on a regular basis again. She said no.
The call was indeed futile, as after hanging up the phone she went back sobbing. I have no idea why she is sad again. She has someone who loves her now. However, the situation scares her all the more. Having someone to love her that much is not something she is accustomed to. She quivers for the unknown impending doom. Although her overwhelming fear empowers me, I am not a bit happy about the whole thing.
She does feel alone. I tried to cheer her up although it is not of my nature to amuse people. However, I am obliged. She is the other me no matter how I hate the thought.
I wanted to go out and savor the chilling air. She complained of upset stomach. Her fault anyway. She has not been feeding her mortal body with normal food. Always crunching on what they call junk foods. The taste of it I abhor with passion. I can not stand another bite of those potato chips but the mortal loves it with all her heart.
We talked about her worries, predicaments and fears. She has nothing to be afraid of, I explained mutely. But she, being the obnoxious stubborn one that she is, insisted that everything is not all right. She has succumbed to the corner of darkness. She mused that emptiness creeps in her vein, not wanting to go away, not matter how hard she tries to shake it off.
I can not do this alone any longer. If she can not help her herself, who am I to do something for her? She needs to clear her mind. Although it may mean my weakening, I am willing to give in.
I never wanted her to be lonely. I, the ultimate temptress, can not bear the thought that my mortal half is shattering into pieces.
All these must end… but how?
The pain continues.
She begged him to leave her alone. Doctor said that the mutual friend was also worried. They are worried for her. Once again, she’s wallowing in depression. It should be stopped. She has this tendency of overreacting over silly things. I wanted to speak up but she told me to stay put. I let her do her business with the doctor. The doctor wanted to see her on a regular basis again. She said no.
The call was indeed futile, as after hanging up the phone she went back sobbing. I have no idea why she is sad again. She has someone who loves her now. However, the situation scares her all the more. Having someone to love her that much is not something she is accustomed to. She quivers for the unknown impending doom. Although her overwhelming fear empowers me, I am not a bit happy about the whole thing.
She does feel alone. I tried to cheer her up although it is not of my nature to amuse people. However, I am obliged. She is the other me no matter how I hate the thought.
I wanted to go out and savor the chilling air. She complained of upset stomach. Her fault anyway. She has not been feeding her mortal body with normal food. Always crunching on what they call junk foods. The taste of it I abhor with passion. I can not stand another bite of those potato chips but the mortal loves it with all her heart.
We talked about her worries, predicaments and fears. She has nothing to be afraid of, I explained mutely. But she, being the obnoxious stubborn one that she is, insisted that everything is not all right. She has succumbed to the corner of darkness. She mused that emptiness creeps in her vein, not wanting to go away, not matter how hard she tries to shake it off.
I can not do this alone any longer. If she can not help her herself, who am I to do something for her? She needs to clear her mind. Although it may mean my weakening, I am willing to give in.
I never wanted her to be lonely. I, the ultimate temptress, can not bear the thought that my mortal half is shattering into pieces.
All these must end… but how?
The pain continues.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Cry to Heaven
We again walked all the way home from the doctor's office. The mortal goddess fretted all the time, her foot hurts: the usual complaint. She mumbled something and I told her to speak louder.
She told me that she worried a lot about my silence these days. I told her that I have nothing important to accomplish, hence, the silence. My opinions never mattered to her. Why, did she ever stop doing whatever she needed to do to hear me out? No, she never did. She continued her endless day dreamings and mindless wanderings.
My deafening silence was actually a rebellion. A rebellion that stemmed from her disastrous decisions. Most nights, I go out and tried to walk the worry away. I worried for her safety, for her health and most of all, for her sanity. All these human beings that abused her can't seem to get enough of her, and yet, she conceded their foolishness and ended up feeling dejected afterwards.
Human! When am I going to understand beings like you?
As always, as a means to distract her, I pointed the various sceneries along the way. I encouraged her to pick some roses, stomped on some wild grasses growing along the sidewalk gardens. She happily grind some insects under her heels.
I know that she was trying to be gay. I don't have much time to worry about her now. She is trying to manage on her own. Or is she?
As I looked around me, I saw couples walking hand in hand. I could sense the envy in the heart of the goddess, for she too missed the feeling of having someone hold her tiny hands. I tried to take her hand into mine. We looked silly so I let her go.
Some couples enjoy the blissful blow of the hot summer wind on the park benches. Some are really seated close to each other. Some are merely stroking each partner's skin with tender caresses. Again, I felt her jealousy.
I tried to talk her out of it and asked about the last session with the doctor. She honestly told me that she actually hated seeing that shrink, and that it was only I, who seemed to enjoy the time. She and the other girl were bored to death. I explained that it was for our own good. She merely frowned.
We cut through the Samgakji station and passed the War Memorial Park, the huge bullet, never ceasing to charm me. We have been here in this place countless times, but my fascination to the monuments grow fervid each time. I can not fathom the inexplicable sensation I sense in this place. Must be the wandering souls that frequents that place. I can smell them, feel them swirl passed us, heard them talk in their dimension. The goddess spoiled my thoughts and told me that I am imagining things and she hated it.
She wanted to sit down and talk. I obliged.
Again, her endless contemplations, gripings, whinings. I merely listened, half of me wanted to just walk away, the other half wanted to listen attentively. While she talks, my mind wandered to the gate beyond the park. I know she suddenly misses someone from there. To avoid further drama, I dragged her home. I told her that I need to feed on some liquids. For her sake, I stopped drinking spirits.
The walk home took forever. She stops every now and then, picked up more flowers, greeted children and even talked to an old Korean lady. A blithe sight to behold, but deep inside, her soul is crying to heaven.
How I wish I know what to do.
She told me that she worried a lot about my silence these days. I told her that I have nothing important to accomplish, hence, the silence. My opinions never mattered to her. Why, did she ever stop doing whatever she needed to do to hear me out? No, she never did. She continued her endless day dreamings and mindless wanderings.
My deafening silence was actually a rebellion. A rebellion that stemmed from her disastrous decisions. Most nights, I go out and tried to walk the worry away. I worried for her safety, for her health and most of all, for her sanity. All these human beings that abused her can't seem to get enough of her, and yet, she conceded their foolishness and ended up feeling dejected afterwards.
Human! When am I going to understand beings like you?
As always, as a means to distract her, I pointed the various sceneries along the way. I encouraged her to pick some roses, stomped on some wild grasses growing along the sidewalk gardens. She happily grind some insects under her heels.
I know that she was trying to be gay. I don't have much time to worry about her now. She is trying to manage on her own. Or is she?
As I looked around me, I saw couples walking hand in hand. I could sense the envy in the heart of the goddess, for she too missed the feeling of having someone hold her tiny hands. I tried to take her hand into mine. We looked silly so I let her go.
Some couples enjoy the blissful blow of the hot summer wind on the park benches. Some are really seated close to each other. Some are merely stroking each partner's skin with tender caresses. Again, I felt her jealousy.
I tried to talk her out of it and asked about the last session with the doctor. She honestly told me that she actually hated seeing that shrink, and that it was only I, who seemed to enjoy the time. She and the other girl were bored to death. I explained that it was for our own good. She merely frowned.
We cut through the Samgakji station and passed the War Memorial Park, the huge bullet, never ceasing to charm me. We have been here in this place countless times, but my fascination to the monuments grow fervid each time. I can not fathom the inexplicable sensation I sense in this place. Must be the wandering souls that frequents that place. I can smell them, feel them swirl passed us, heard them talk in their dimension. The goddess spoiled my thoughts and told me that I am imagining things and she hated it.
She wanted to sit down and talk. I obliged.
Again, her endless contemplations, gripings, whinings. I merely listened, half of me wanted to just walk away, the other half wanted to listen attentively. While she talks, my mind wandered to the gate beyond the park. I know she suddenly misses someone from there. To avoid further drama, I dragged her home. I told her that I need to feed on some liquids. For her sake, I stopped drinking spirits.
The walk home took forever. She stops every now and then, picked up more flowers, greeted children and even talked to an old Korean lady. A blithe sight to behold, but deep inside, her soul is crying to heaven.
How I wish I know what to do.
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