I have been trying to restrain myself to come out these days. I can not share the enthusiasm of the mortal goddess. She went on her usual gibberings, unknowingly hurting people, irritating friends to certain extent. She is, as always, not in her usual self. I am beginning to get tired of baby sitting her.
Last night, she spent the entire evening talking to her so called "friends" online, tending to their needs, their own chaos, pretending to be funny, when in fact she got her own trouble to take care of.
I went around the neighborhood, trying to get some air. I walked on the way home from the doctor's house. It was a long walk. I saw a lot of couples in the War Memorial. I looked for a lonesome soul like me. I wanted to crush someone. Not one in sight.
I told her to start focusing. We talked about lots of things. The things she told the doctor. She asked me if it was okay to tell him those things. I thought she did alright. She started to complain that her feet hurts, her little way of telling me that she does not want to talk anymore. I allowed her to pace slowly. She also needed this.
I loved those monuments in the park. The memories of the great war that Koreans had braved through. I wish I brought a camera. She, however, did not appreciate any of these. She sank back to her demented world. I did not realize that I was talking to myself for a long time.
There are times that I wanted to kill her to end all her sufferings, but I thought about her loved ones. I know that in these times, I am the only one she has. I have to be strong for her, time and again, I tell myself that. The sight of her dwindling slowly in melancholia is beginning to get into me. I talked to her a lot of times, asked her to tell me honestly what she feels. She just would smile and tell me she is okay. Here we go again. I am getting tired of this.
I felt sleepy, she however, wanted to stay in the Internet shop. I wonder if she is trying to find life's answer online. Or is she still hoping that he will talk to her?
Who is clueless here?
Monday, June 20, 2005
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